I am a Fame Monster

Well folks, my very first Christmas out of the Toy Box has officially been and gone; and it sucked beyond belief. With all my hard work in writing to Santa this year what did I get? Nothing, Nada, zilch and zip. Didn’t even get a Merry Christmas wish from the House Human… how miserable is that? Thanks a lot Santa.

We did get flooded in though, that was an experience to behold and from what my little fuzz filled brain can understand this is only the beginning of the Tropical Monsoon that is said to last another month or so. Where’s a houseboat when you need one.

I guess though a houseboat is only one of the things I need right at this point in time if I am to be held up with the House Human any longer than necessary. So far this week we have spent our time strapped to the couch watching a variety of movies… all musicals (classics according to the House Human) and I simply can’t stand it any longer. I need to feel the fresh cyclonic wind as it blows upon my face… the murky water wash over me as I jump from the front patio into the swollen rivers running down the street, just so I can get away from another strangled verse of ‘Doe a Deer’ or Calamity Jane’s ‘Once I had a secret love’… But I mustn’t complain too much. 

I am hoping though that 2011 will see a change to all of that. From what I understand of the human culture thus far, and correct me if I’m wrong (which we all know by now I very rarely am), this is the time of year when human’s get some silly idea in their heads that they can change when they rip an old calendar off the wall and put a new one up.

I figure if you humans can make a resolution for the New Year, so can I. 

From what I also understand, when you make one of these New Year Resolution things, you need to make it as big and as grand as possible… and there’s no holding back.

So while many of you will be setting your sights on giving up smoking, going on some wacky crash diet and limiting your alcohol consumption, I am going to be focussing squarely on my new career, a career that is just for me.

Now I have been giving a lot of thought to this career business, and trying to come up with some brilliantly fabulous ideas, but I am still a little stuck with what I can do. 

When I first came out of the Toy Box I thought it would be rather spiffy to be a human, and to have all the trappings that go with being human, but now I’m not so sure. For some reason that is currently beyond my comprehension you all seem to struggle so much in trying to find the perfect place in life; the perfect body; the perfect house; the perfect family and the perfect public face. Sadly for some inexplicable reason, I feel upon reflection, and much to my own detriment as a bear, I have started to develop some of these same human flaws.

I am no longer content and satisfied with just being another little bear… sitting quietly with all the other toys watching the world pass me by. I want more; much, much more out of life. 

I don’t want any old job; I want the perfect career that will make me lots of money. I want to be placed upon a pedestal and have the paparazzi wanting to take photos of me at every twist and turn as I drive my brand new top of the range Mercedes convertible down Sunset Boulevard. I want adoring fans waving at me as though they were long lost friends; I want them begging for my autograph (presumably so they can sell it on eBay and make a motza) as I step out onto the red carpet and into the latest and hottest nightclub in town. 

Yes folks, since I came out of the Toy Box I have been listening to the words, wisdom and inspiration of Mother Monster herself; Lady Gaga. I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that I Theodore H. Bear have been bitten by the Fame Monster. A bite that has injected its venom so deep it cannot be stopped.

 I know I am invincible and destine for far bigger things than the House Human will ever be; given its current daily 9 to 5 grind at the office. Yes it is a sad fact of life that the House Human is a rare oddity in this world and it has no desire to be anything more than what it is – a TV addicted, beer swilling, microwave meal consuming … plodder. Nothing more and nothing less, just a plodder who is happy to remain invisible and for the world to continue on its merry way without him.

Not me. I tain’t no plodder and never will be. I don’t want to be left standing at the gates of Toy Heaven with my stuffing hanging out for all to see. I don’t want to be the one asking ‘Is that all there is?’ as I draw my last breath into my 100% polyester lungs… No Sir! I want to be dragged and chained to the gates of Toy Heaven screaming. Screaming ‘Give me more! The ride ain’t over yet baby!’ 

To give me more and to set my little paws on the true path to famedom I unquestionably deserve and desire, I made a little list setting out all my skills. As you can imagine it wasn’t very long list (in comparison to the one I made for Christmas) after all I am only a small bear.

So let’s see on the downside of up;

1.       can’t sing.  so no music career even though I would like to be a rapper;

2.       can’t dance, so there is no chance of me being the next Fred Astar or being on So You Think You Can Dance (plus Cat Deeley might stand on me);

3.       can’t paint, nor draw, so being the next Picasso is out… plus do you have any idea how hard it is to get acrylic paint out of fur.

4.       can’t be a Celeb Gossip Guru cause Perez Hilton already has that role and he won’t answer my e-mails … I think someone referred to my persistence as restraining order material (not sure what that is so I’ll need to find a dictionary later);

5.       can’t act so there is no chance of me being Pearce Brosnan, and I’m not sure how they would feel about an 8 inch bear being the next James Bond given they would have to scale everything down. But at least they wouldn’t need a multi-million dollar budget. Hmmm, perhaps I could be a director or writer;

Things seem to be a little stacked against me in the career stakes at the moment.

Now for the pluses, and I always like the pluses;

  

1. I am slightly on the cute side
2. I have a few friends on facebook and twitter
3. and my head is filled with fluff….

I guess as a last resort I could be Paris Hilton and make lots of money from doing nothing; after all it does appear as though we share the same skill set… Then on second thoughts, I’d rather not.

Well it seems my search for new found famedom and the perfect career for 2011 has come to an unforseen and sudden halt. It also appears that this task has proven to be slightly harder than I first thought so it is no wonder so many humans fail when making a New Year Resolution commitment (yes folks a commitment that requires careful planning and consideration).

While I can only assume that this is a temporary hiatus and I know I will be back on track in no time because I am committed to being famous, it is easy to see how some (like the House Human) give up and fall by the wayside. Sometimes it is much easier to be considered a plodder; a person that holds the world together, a person that encourages and makes room for others so they can be the best that they can be.

In the meantime, while I continue to contemplate how I can be famous and live out my dream in 2011 with your support, I hope you come up with the perfect New Year Resolution for the new life you imagine for yourself. 

And by the way, if you have any bright ideas on what new and exciting career path I can have then drop me a line. The Toy Box is always open to suggestions. 

Although, if any of you dare tell me I could be the third little bear in Goldie Locks for next year’s panto then watch out. I will personally come around there and beat on you.

Until next time may you and yours have a happy, safe and prosperous 2011.

Best wishes

Theodore H. Bear

xoxo and a big hug.

Jingle my bells this Christmas

It’s hard to believe that we are in December already. No sooner did the year seem to start and in the blink of an eye it was gone. And just think, in another few short sleeps it will be Christmas.

Ahhh. Christmas, I’m just so excited about it; mistletoe, plum pudding, backyard cricket, but best of all the presents I’m going to get.

Since I have been such a good little bear (most of the time anyway, and the times I have not, I can explain), I thought I would try my hand at writing to Santa again this year to see what would happen. So far I have written to him four times, and he still hasn’t responded...  I have muttered a few choice words about that as you can imagine, but I guess I haven’t been specific enough.

This time around though I’ve been very specific and I’ve provided Santa with a somewhat extensive and comprehensive list of all the things I would like this year – my list included an Appendix A and B containing all the other stuff he didn’t give me in the previous years.

To ensure that my request does not go unnoticed this time, I have sent him multiple copies by registered mail and several nagging emails so there can be absolutely no excuse that he didn’t receive it.

Top of my list this year is a new pad…no not an iPhone or laptop, but somewhere away from the toy box where I can kick back and relax; a place to shed the fur and wander naked once in a while should I choose. Yes somewhere I can invite Matt Keyte to come and play. Most importantly though, somewhere where I can jingle my bells this Christmas and I don’t have to put up with that bitch Barbie constantly whining, harping and badgering the rest of us; telling us how insignificant we are in comparison to the marvelous universe she rules. How awe inspiring she is – not -.

To get the ball rolling I have been pawing through all the latest toy catalogues that have come through the mail, I have been on line and checked out all the latest plans, and finally I found the one just for me. It is without a doubt the most fabulous 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom multi-level home you have ever seen, and I reckon at $425.95 it a real steal. Throw in the pool and convertible Mercedes (both sold separately of course) and you have a place that even Brad and Ange would be envious of… I can see the look on their faces now should they come to visit in the New Year; not sure if the look is shear jealousy or annoyance because I’m gunna call them losers from the upper balcony that overlooks the triple bay garage as they walk up the beautifully landscaped mansion drive.

Is it wrong though that it’s pink (or as I would prefer to describe it … fuchsia), and I’m a boy bear?

I just hope the house human didn’t see my letter to Santi, otherwise there will be the usual suggestion of ‘Oh, why don’t I buy you a kit home and put it together for you on Christmas morning?’ Yeah right! It will end up like all those other home improvement projects he has started. Come Christmas morning there will be ample enthusiasm followed by swearing, cursing and cussing and nothing will have been done. And come Christmas morning next year the kit home will have been tossed to one side and used as fire wood and toothpicks throughout the year.

And of course I would still be homeless (perhaps not if by then I have ripped Barbie’s head before then, then Mr Plod would be taking care of me instead at the local jail… so no home needed and I get to wear a nice comfy pair of handcuffs).

Now given you all a little indication of what I have asked for for Christmas, I would like take this opportunity to apologise to everyone in advance about Christmas. Why? Because if Santa is late in delivering your presents; or you get none at all because there was no room left on his sled, then remember this…

It’s not my fault you were late posting your letter to the North Pole.

Apart from what I want for Christmas the festive season can be incredibly chaotic and stressful, so it’s important that we look after ourselves and avoid triggers for poor mental health. There are simple things we can do to build our resilience. We can’t necessarily avoid stressful situations altogether but it’s important to respond to what is in our control, such as limiting alcohol consumption and remembering to take some quiet time out for yourself.

To help you retain your sanity and get you through this silly season, the Mental Health Association NSW has some useful tips to keep you going.

Managing relationships at Christmas

Feelings of stress, anxiety and depression are common during the festive season. If nothing else, reassure yourself that these feelings are normal. Things you can try to reduce the amount of unpleasant feelings experienced on Christmas Day and throughout the holiday season are:

Have realistic expectations of yourself and others. Don’t expect miracles, if you and certain family members bicker all year long, you can be sure there will be tension at Christmas lunch too. Christmas isn’t a time to address long-term conflict. Try to let go of hard feelings at least for that one day, it will help you get through the holidays and my may even enjoy yourself.

Pick who you spend time with and talk to. Do things with people you feel most comfortable with. Going on a long walk with a favourite relative will help you get away and spend time with the person you would most like to.

Avoid known triggers. If politics or religion is a touchy subject, don’t discuss it. If someone else brings up the topic, use distraction and move onto another subject. If there’s a particular person you clash with, create some safe distance and sit next to someone else at lunch or dinner.

Plan fun things to do. Family members are less likely to get into arguments if they are involved in after lunch activities such as board games or a cricket match in the backyard. Plan for something to do as a group and focus on things you enjoy doing.

Take time out with friends. If you’re not used to spending all your time with the same people, it’s important to try and get a balance. You could still spend time with family but also arrange some days or nights out with your friends and give yourself and others a break. Plan ahead.

Set aside time for yourself. This can be something as simple as going for a short walk, or having a nap. Having some ‘me time’ to get away from it all will help you relax.

Look after your physical health. Getting enough sleep, keeping up your regular physical activity

routine, using relaxation techniques, and eating and drinking with moderation will help give you the stamina to get through the demands of the season.

Christmas is lonely for many—spread the cheer

People of all ages can enjoy Christmas with others, but there are many who find it to be a really lonely time. When family and friends get together it can be hard for those people who are on their own.

If you know someone who will be alone over Christmas, one of the kindest things you can do is get in touch. Even if it’s just for a chat on Christmas morning, a hello, or an invitation to have a cake in the afternoon, it can make a massive difference to their experience of the festive season.

Helping out others and doing random acts of kindness for someone will also lift your spirits if you are experienced festive stress. Consider volunteering in the days leading up to Christmas or donating to charity.

If you don’t have close family or friends to spend Christmas with, you could also consider doing a call out to other friends, or colleagues who are also not spending time with family. You’ll be surprised how many people are separated from family and friends during this time of year. Get together on Christmas Day to do something different from what you’d do with family—such as a picnic in the backyard, a day at the beach or a themed party at someone’s house. If you are alone on Christmas Day, remember that it’s just one day out of 365, and try to do something enjoyable and special just for you.

Festive stress is normal

Remember just because some things are ‘supposed’ to be fun and festive around holiday time, doesn’t mean you have to be.

Accept that the festive season is a stressful time and allow yourself to have feelings about it. Remind yourself that the feelings will not stay forever, and you have the ability to make things better. When you are feeling sad, overwhelmed or stressed, ask yourself ‘What can I do right now to feel better?’

This might involve practicing some of the tips suggested above to reduce relationship stress. It could also mean talking to someone about how you feel and sharing what the season is really like for you.

But above all else, relax and enjoy the time being you.

Anyhow’s until January 2011, may you all have a happy, safe and jolly time. Remember to play nicely with the other children and remember my motto for this Holiday Season…. ‘The more the merrier’ and you know what I mean.

Best Wishes

Theodore H. Bear

Flipped out & flopped in a funk – what is the true path to happiness?

It’s been an eerily quiet month, hence no blog update. The quietness can only mean one of two things; the house human is on holidays (which I very much doubt, because this is something he never does); or he has flipped out and flopped in a funk… Odds are it’s the latter of the two.

And if perchance I should be foolhardy enough to venture into the lounge-room to prove this thought true, I know in the depths of my white poly-filled heart I will be confronted by one of the most distressing sights a little bear should ever see. 

A scene that will, and has in the past left me scared for life. 

A devastatingly horrific setting of a skinny, long haired, middle-age man sprawled across the couch, complete with ill-fitting Y Fronts, empty Pepsi cans and flatulence. Think Homer Simpson meets Glenn Quagmire come Entourages - Johnny Drama and you will being to get an inkling of the picture I am trying to paint. Throw  in the thick rich chocolate topping oozing slowly down the chin of the house human as he tries his best to eat his way through yet another tub of double chocolate, chocolate chip ice-cream – and you’re an extra step closer to my living nightmare. 

Yes sadly, it has become an all too common scene at our place. And it is days like these we choose to remain safely tucked up in the toy box and not to venture out through fear that we will be tossed to the curb. Tossed aside in the vein hope that this will, in some way sooth the gnawing nagging heart and clear a foggy mind of the house human while in a fugue state.  So much for a mid-life crisis being nothing more than a temporary hiatus, a speed bump on the journey of life – it seems to me that it’s more of a giant excavation, and you don’t want to get too close to the edge in fear that you will fall through to an abyss of nothingness where the darkness eats you from the inside out. If this is what means to be human, all I can say is ‘thank the stars I am a bear – and I’m already stuffed’.

Given the house humans’ current frame of mind, I got to thinking, what makes humans happy beyond all doubt? And, is there really a path to true happiness? If there is, please tell me it is paved with gold and not good intentions; that it will lead to the Land of Oz and not to yet another thinly disguised, tragically droll, predictable plot-line that imagines itself to be a heartwarming story of life.

Short of telling him to get a life – preferably his own -, to help him out us toys got together and we did a stock-take of his life, to see all the good stuff he has going on. You know the count your blessings sort of thing. He didn’t like what we came up with. We even went as far as buying him the The Dalai Lama's Book of Wisdom, his The Meaning of Life, and Winnie the Pooh’s Book, Tao of Pooh and Te of Piglet . Both books, but particularly the one of Pooh’s seemed to brighten his day somewhat.

I thought about suggesting that he reinvent himself, create a new persona that he liked. The sort of person he would like the world to see. But perhaps in his case that is not the best thing – he has had more comebacks and reinvented himself more times than I can count. Cher and Madonna would be proud of his efforts in that area.

We also had heard that exercise can help fight the funk. So like the dutiful human he is, he went out and got himself a gym membership. Like most things though he didn’t have sufficient motivation to go. So now he has 12 months worth of gym classes. Oh well, at least it will make a good Christmas present for someone.

Finally I resorted to making a list. I have written it on the front of the fridge with permanent marker, and  because it’s in the biggest letters my little paws could manage, he will see it every day:

Theo Bears Top 10 Tips for Humans to be Happy

 

1.       Despite what others say or think, no one is perfect, except for me – learn to like and love   yourself – you are your own worst enemy.

2.       You are never alone; you always have a shoulder to cry on; even if it is only a toy bear.

3.       Focus on the positive by thinking of at least one good thing you achieved today, like making someone smile… Admittedly we did have a bit of a chuckle when your bits fell out of your Y Fronts, so that’s your good deed over and done with for now.

4.       Let go of the past. While you can learn from it, it serves no meaningful purpose if you only choose to remember the bad things. Like the day the dog ripped my leg off – I now know not to go near the dog. I also know that I can tease and make fun of the dog for as long as I like providing she is on the other side of the screen door… and remains there.

5.       Set a small goal and work toward it. Once you’re there choose another one slightly bigger – let’s start by say… cleaning the bathroom sink, it’s not bear hair in the plug hole you know.

6.       To lift you spirits watch a funny movie for once. I swear if you watch another one that puts you on a downer, I’ll beat on you.

7.       Find someone like a friend or relative you like to spend time with and make a day or night of it. Yes that will mean you have to make at least one friend first, but please try… for me.

8.       Don’t think too much about the future, you can’t control it and I know how much it can hurt your small brain when you do. So just sit back and enjoy the ride by being the best you can.

9.       Eat a good balanced diet and exercise. I am spooning the ice-cream down the drain as you read this so there will be nothing left in the fridge… what ya gunna do now cause that just leaves the month old apples; tomatoes; lettuce and box of cereal.  By the way dude the shops are closed.

10.   Find something that inspires you and do it. Remember that personal development course you wanted to do? Well you’re enrolled and class starts Monday 9 am. Better be there or I’ll call the truancy officer to come and get you.

After having written my list, I realise that being and remaining positive for humans is hard work. Much harder than it is for bears by far, and it appears as though it is something that can be much easier to achieve for some humans than it is for others. Perhaps the true path to happiness is hidden in finding out what we would really like to be doing, and then taking simple steps to doing it.

I have always figured that life is about freedom of choice and being comfortable in our own fur. We can choose our friends, choose where we live the majority of the time, where we work, our hobbies and our lovers. Over the years I have become strangely aware of one of the most common choices humans tend to make, that of choosing not to see past the end of their nose. Perhaps if they looked at themselves honestly from another perspective (not necessarily how they imagine others would see them) they may well find the answer or solution they so desire is like the television remote - sitting patiently on the couch beside them waiting to change the channel-.

Perhaps when we learn to accept the things we can’t change, and change the things that are within our control, we will all find that the true path to happiness is the one found in the space that separates the two.

Life should leave you wanting less as you get older, not more.

Recommended Reading

The Mindful Way through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness

The Depression Cure: The 6-Step Program to Beat Depression without Drugs

How to Be Happy

When Am I Going to Be Happy?: How to Break the Emotional Bad Habits That Make You Miserable

Zen and the Art of Happiness