Well folks, my very first Christmas out of the Toy Box has officially been and gone; and it sucked beyond belief. With all my hard work in writing to Santa this year what did I get? Nothing, Nada, zilch and zip. Didn’t even get a Merry Christmas wish from the House Human… how miserable is that? Thanks a lot Santa.
We did get flooded in though, that was an experience to behold and from what my little fuzz filled brain can understand this is only the beginning of the Tropical Monsoon that is said to last another month or so. Where’s a houseboat when you need one.
I guess though a houseboat is only one of the things I need right at this point in time if I am to be held up with the House Human any longer than necessary. So far this week we have spent our time strapped to the couch watching a variety of movies… all musicals (classics according to the House Human) and I simply can’t stand it any longer. I need to feel the fresh cyclonic wind as it blows upon my face… the murky water wash over me as I jump from the front patio into the swollen rivers running down the street, just so I can get away from another strangled verse of ‘Doe a Deer’ or Calamity Jane’s ‘Once I had a secret love’… But I mustn’t complain too much.
I am hoping though that 2011 will see a change to all of that. From what I understand of the human culture thus far, and correct me if I’m wrong (which we all know by now I very rarely am), this is the time of year when human’s get some silly idea in their heads that they can change when they rip an old calendar off the wall and put a new one up.
I figure if you humans can make a resolution for the New Year, so can I.
From what I also understand, when you make one of these New Year Resolution things, you need to make it as big and as grand as possible… and there’s no holding back.
So while many of you will be setting your sights on giving up smoking, going on some wacky crash diet and limiting your alcohol consumption, I am going to be focussing squarely on my new career, a career that is just for me.
Now I have been giving a lot of thought to this career business, and trying to come up with some brilliantly fabulous ideas, but I am still a little stuck with what I can do.
When I first came out of the Toy Box I thought it would be rather spiffy to be a human, and to have all the trappings that go with being human, but now I’m not so sure. For some reason that is currently beyond my comprehension you all seem to struggle so much in trying to find the perfect place in life; the perfect body; the perfect house; the perfect family and the perfect public face. Sadly for some inexplicable reason, I feel upon reflection, and much to my own detriment as a bear, I have started to develop some of these same human flaws.
I am no longer content and satisfied with just being another little bear… sitting quietly with all the other toys watching the world pass me by. I want more; much, much more out of life.
I don’t want any old job; I want the perfect career that will make me lots of money. I want to be placed upon a pedestal and have the paparazzi wanting to take photos of me at every twist and turn as I drive my brand new top of the range Mercedes convertible down Sunset Boulevard. I want adoring fans waving at me as though they were long lost friends; I want them begging for my autograph (presumably so they can sell it on eBay and make a motza) as I step out onto the red carpet and into the latest and hottest nightclub in town.
Yes folks, since I came out of the Toy Box I have been listening to the words, wisdom and inspiration of Mother Monster herself; Lady Gaga. I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that I Theodore H. Bear have been bitten by the Fame Monster. A bite that has injected its venom so deep it cannot be stopped.
I know I am invincible and destine for far bigger things than the House Human will ever be; given its current daily 9 to 5 grind at the office. Yes it is a sad fact of life that the House Human is a rare oddity in this world and it has no desire to be anything more than what it is – a TV addicted, beer swilling, microwave meal consuming … plodder. Nothing more and nothing less, just a plodder who is happy to remain invisible and for the world to continue on its merry way without him.
Not me. I tain’t no plodder and never will be. I don’t want to be left standing at the gates of Toy Heaven with my stuffing hanging out for all to see. I don’t want to be the one asking ‘Is that all there is?’ as I draw my last breath into my 100% polyester lungs… No Sir! I want to be dragged and chained to the gates of Toy Heaven screaming. Screaming ‘Give me more! The ride ain’t over yet baby!’
To give me more and to set my little paws on the true path to famedom I unquestionably deserve and desire, I made a little list setting out all my skills. As you can imagine it wasn’t very long list (in comparison to the one I made for Christmas) after all I am only a small bear.
So let’s see on the downside of up;
1. can’t sing. so no music career even though I would like to be a rapper;
2. can’t dance, so there is no chance of me being the next Fred Astar or being on So You Think You Can Dance (plus Cat Deeley might stand on me);
3. can’t paint, nor draw, so being the next Picasso is out… plus do you have any idea how hard it is to get acrylic paint out of fur.
4. can’t be a Celeb Gossip Guru cause Perez Hilton already has that role and he won’t answer my e-mails … I think someone referred to my persistence as restraining order material (not sure what that is so I’ll need to find a dictionary later);
5. can’t act so there is no chance of me being Pearce Brosnan, and I’m not sure how they would feel about an 8 inch bear being the next James Bond given they would have to scale everything down. But at least they wouldn’t need a multi-million dollar budget. Hmmm, perhaps I could be a director or writer;
Things seem to be a little stacked against me in the career stakes at the moment.
Now for the pluses, and I always like the pluses;
- I am slightly on the cute side
- I have a few friends on facebook and twitter
- and my head is filled with fluff….
I guess as a last resort I could be Paris Hilton and make lots of money from doing nothing; after all it does appear as though we share the same skill set… Then on second thoughts, I’d rather not.
Well it seems my search for new found famedom and the perfect career for 2011 has come to an unforseen and sudden halt. It also appears that this task has proven to be slightly harder than I first thought so it is no wonder so many humans fail when making a New Year Resolution commitment (yes folks a commitment that requires careful planning and consideration).
While I can only assume that this is a temporary hiatus and I know I will be back on track in no time because I am committed to being famous, it is easy to see how some (like the House Human) give up and fall by the wayside. Sometimes it is much easier to be considered a plodder; a person that holds the world together, a person that encourages and makes room for others so they can be the best that they can be.
In the meantime, while I continue to contemplate how I can be famous and live out my dream in 2011 with your support, I hope you come up with the perfect New Year Resolution for the new life you imagine for yourself.
And by the way, if you have any bright ideas on what new and exciting career path I can have then drop me a line. The Toy Box is always open to suggestions.
Although, if any of you dare tell me I could be the third little bear in Goldie Locks for next year’s panto then watch out. I will personally come around there and beat on you.
Until next time may you and yours have a happy, safe and prosperous 2011.
Best wishes
Theodore H. Bear
xoxo and a big hug.
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